I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
