found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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