WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
