the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Randomize
