When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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