yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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