Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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