The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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