I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
