you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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