oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
