my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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