Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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