I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Randomize
