I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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