Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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