She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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