He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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