I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
