just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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