i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
