I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
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