I just threw up on my dentist
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Randomize
