I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
