I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
