Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
