he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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