Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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