soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Randomize
