You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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