why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
