dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
