Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
