i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
Do vagina's smell?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
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