I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize