So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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