you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
