sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
