whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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