Taylor Swift is so right about you.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
If I had your ass I would rule the world
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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