DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
