dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
My dad just said "fuck circus"
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
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