This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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