so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
