i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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