she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
A+ Viking dick
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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