i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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