Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
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