my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Randomize
