I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Randomize
