I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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