God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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