The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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