He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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