her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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