You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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