I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
how drunk are you?
Several
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
