Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Randomize
