She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
