Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize