she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
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