oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
