I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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