what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
