There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize