I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
